blogs/rabbi-huberman

Should You Help Your Enemy? 

What would you do if your worst enemy called you and asked for your help during a crisis?

Would you walk away? Would you say "no?"

Or would you agree to help, hoping that by working together, and solving the problem, you could kindle a positive relationship?

It's an obscure but in many ways instructive scenario that the Torah presents us with this week, as it shares with us a commandment regarding cooperation as we face tasks which cannot be handled by one person alone.

The Torah tells us, "if you see your fellow's ass or ox fallen on the road, do not ignore him: you must help him raise it."(Deuteronomy 22:4)

There are certain assumptions associated with this Biblical verse: after all, when you think about it, if the person whose ox or ass has fallen were your friend, there would be no need for the Torah to command you to assist.

But why would the Torah take the time to advise us to assist someone who we are at odds with? The key, according to our ancient rabbis, is found within in one important phrase.

The great thirteenth century rabbi Nachmanides observed that there are two key words in this Biblical sentence: "help him." More specifically, Nachmanides notes that if you help another person, your enemy in particular, you may ultimately"forget your enmity, and remember that he is your fellow."

Too often, when a crisis or disagreement occurs within a family or a circle of friends, bad feelings can be triggered, and, left unattended, can last a lifetime.  

The anti-gossip rabbi, the Chofetz Chaim, devoted his lifetime to helping people avoid animosity and gossip after witnessing families and friendships splinter during a crisis in the 1870s over whether to fire the town's rabbi.

He devoted a lifetime to assisting people use language to build relationships rather than destroy them.

In that spirit, this week's Torah portion provides us with timeless advice, and the tools to banish useless conflict from our lives. We want to get along with our friends, families and colleagues, but old hurts - even small ones - can be hard to set aside, and often we don't know where to begin.

All the more reason to look on someone in a personal, health, or work crisis and ask: 'How can I help?'

This message is especially significant during this Jewish month of Elul, as we approach Rosh Hashanah. The Talmud tells us that before we can make peace with God, we must first make peace with our fellow human beings, for in the end, it is not God who judges us, but rather the people whose lives we affect, and ultimately ourselves.

The Talmud reminds us, too, that prayers, no matter how sweetly uttered nor how profoundly intended, will not sway God's opinion: the Creator looks instead to the opinion we earn from the people around us.

As Pirkei Avot (3:10), our collection of ancient Jewish teachings, reminds us; "One who is pleasing to his fellow human being, is pleasing to God. But one who is not pleasing to his fellow human being, is not pleasing to God." 

It's a simple message delivered in this week's Torah portion regarding disputes and disagreements which we've collected over the past year.

Do we wish to let these animosities fester, or, in the name of peace, are we willing to pick up the phone and call someone we haven't talked to in awhile and ask "How are you?" And if that person discloses a problem, are we willing, like the passerby in the Biblical story, to help them back to their feet?

Some people are stubborn; they hold on to grudges. They will not change. But we can only embrace peace within our own lives, and accordingly re-evaluate how we react to others.

At a minimum, as the Torah teaches us this week, taking the initiative to help a friend in need requires cooperation -- working together on one project on the road to re-establishing peace.

Shalom Ba'it, peace within our domain, does not always require that we be right. Sometimes the angel of truth must give way to the angel of peace.

Therefore, with less than three weeks until Rosh Hashanah, let us consider, in the name of peace, taking that first step.

Who can we help to get back to their feet? Who needs help lifting their load?

As Nachmanides taught seven hundred years ago, maybe, just maybe, if we offer to help another person, we can also bury animosity, establish equality as fellow human beings, and bring about peace.

If the goal of life is ultimately to turn ourselves into something better, is it preferable to turn our backs when a family member or friend is buckling under adversity?

Or does it makes more sense for us, and for them, to travel a more peaceful and sacred road together?

Shabbat shalom, v'kol tuv (with all goodness)

Rabbi Irwin Huberman