blogs/rabbi-huberman

Running from Confrontation

About two weeks ago, I attended a lecture given by Rabbi Joseph Telushkin, one of Judaism's foremost authors, philosophers and storytellers.

"Let me ask you," he said to those thousand-odd in the audience.  "Do you have friends you're not talking to?"

About a fifth of those in the room raised their hands.

"Now tell me," he continued. "How many are facing similar stress with their brothers and sisters?"  Twice as many people raised their hands.  The sound of nervous, uncomfortable laughter filled the room.

It struck me as I left the auditorium how for so many, interpersonal conflict is a fact of life, especially with those we hold dearest. Often it's family and old friends who know us best, and are the most aware of both our strengths and weaknesses.

This is not news to any of us. Yet, over the millennia, our Sages have pondered the issue of interpersonal conflict, and why these disagreements cut so deeply.

No one likes conflict. Often, we would rather smile or nod than confront.  Yet, by doing so, by failing to resolve conflict soon after an incident occurs, these disagreements can gain in intensity, until there's no easy path of return.

As this week's Torah portion opens, Jacob finds himself in such a space.  In last week's Parashah, Jacob tricks his father Isaac into providing him with the sacred family blessing. This blessing should have been bestowed upon his older twin brother, Esau.

When Esau realizes what has occurred, he's enraged.  So what does Jacob do?  He packs his bags and leaves town.  This week's Torah portion opens with Jacob alone in the wilderness.

Later in the Parashah, Jacob again faces conflict.  Fearing that his untrustworthy employer and father-in-law Lavan will prevent him from departing with his outstanding wages, Jacob gathers his family and possessions -- and runs.

We can look at Jacob's actions with some disdain. But it is perhaps more important that we note what his behavior can teach us. Can we relate?

Isn't it easier to maintain silence  --  walk away from a conflict rather than address it on the spot?

Traditional Judaism says "no."

The Talmud teaches that, however uncomfortable it may be, when we enter into conflict with someone, it is better to constructively confront the issue than to run.

Our Sages note that if we have a problem with someone, we should discuss it immediately. If not, we risk violating the prohibition against hating others in our hearts. For it is Shalom Ba'it -- peace within our domain -- which we ultimately desire.

If one acts badly in public and is gently corrected in private, the Sages teach us, the two parties can reconcile. But if one keeps the criticism inside, this will only create growing resentment and conflict.

Recently, while preparing for a funeral, the bereaved son of the deceased was contacted by a relative who had maintained distance for more than fifty years.  The relative expressed a desire to become closer in the months and years to come.

Yet, how many happy occasions, celebrations or challenges were missed during those years?

Yes, the topic of conflict and reconciliation is a complicated one.  There are many who do not possess the ability to reconcile, or cannot reflect upon their complicity in the breakdown of a relationship.

The Talmud understands that.  It teaches: "Don't rebuke a scoffer; they will only hate you for it. But if you rebuke a wise person, they will love you for it." (Talmud Yevamot 65b)

Should Jacob have discussed the birthright incident with his brother?  Would the gruff Esau have perhaps understood that the future success of the dynasty created by Abraham and Sarah depended on brains rather than brawn?

Would Lavan, the scoundrel, have understood Jacob's concerns?  We will never know.

Not everyone is able to accept criticism, or to compromise. But isn't it important that at least we try?

Sometimes, when relatives or friends reconcile, they can't remember what precipitated the problem in the first place.  So many say "I should have called sooner."

In next week's Torah portion, Jacob will confront his demons.  He will reflect upon his past errors and wrestle with his guilt.  Next week he will break free.

But it begs the question: What conflicts are we walking away from?

Next week, after years of loneliness and isolation, Jacob and Esau will reconcile.  They will remember the good.

Addressing conflict is never an easy thing.  It often leads to failure.  Yet, by airing our differences, a path can be cleared toward a better future.    

Not all conflict ends in new beginnings, but really: Is there any harm in being the first to blink? 

Our Torah inspires us this week to remember that addressing our conflicts rather than turning away can ultimately lead to peace. 

Indeed, how much light have we been missing because we have insisted upon sitting in the dark?

Shabbat shalom, v'kol tuv.

Rabbi Irwin Huberman