blogs/rabbi-huberman

Your Ethical Will -- How Will Your Be Remembered?

There comes a time in each of our lives when we turn our attention to how we wish to disburse our assets to those we leave behind.

We call this a will.  There are trusts, and savings accounts, homes and heirlooms to consider. 

Unfortunately, these discussions often cause discomfort within a family both before and after a person's passing, as heated debates revolve around who gets what, and why.

Indeed, the Talmud warns us to be careful what we put in our wills. For if our survivors feel that an injustice has been committed or that a deceased parent has loved or favored one child over another, family rifts can occur which may never heal.

That is a legacy no parent wants.

It is one reason why Jewish tradition reminds us that there is more to pass down to future generations than the material assets we have acquired during our lifetimes. In a society increasingly focused on golden calves, we run the risk of forgetting that the foundation of any society, or for that matter any religion, rests upon its guiding principles.

It is why, based in part on this week's Torah portion, titled Va'y'chi ("Jacob lived"); many Jews are now embracing a Biblical story which inspires us to ask the question, "What values do we want to be remembered for?"

Often, when I meet with a family on the eve of a funeral, children and grandchildren speak about the time Grandma and Grandpa attended a dance recital, or a sports event.

They recall summers enjoyed with family in the Catskills, or vacations spent in a station wagon, driving across America. They recall having a shoulder to cry on during times of crisis, or a parent's sense of duty, hard work, and unconditional love. They remember voices around the Passover table.

In this week's Torah portion, as we complete the reading of the Book of Genesis, it is time to bid farewell to Jacob. He has lived in Egypt for seventeen years, and his original entourage of seventy has multiplied exponentially.

In this week's Parashah, prior to his death, Jacob calls each of his sons forward, and provides each with a frank assessment of their lives to date.

He also requests that his family eventually bury him not in Egypt, but rather with his ancestors in Canaan, in the cave of his ancestors.

As he speaks with each son, Jacob provides a blueprint for the future.  Many of these values - fidelity, honesty, strength, humility - are based on core principles which will be ultimately codified in the Ten Commandments.

Indeed, Jacob does not discuss disbursement of his physical assets; rather, he assesses the moral and ethical conduct of his family.

Over the centuries, Judaism has been inspired by this series of frank assessments. Parents, teachers, and elders have increasingly embraced a tradition of producing Zeva'ot- ethical wills. 

Each contains a final ethical message to family, friends and community.

The first recorded ethical will was written about one thousand years ago by Eleazar, the son of Isaac of Worms.  He wrote, "Purify thy body, the dwelling-place of thy soul.... Give of all thy food a portion to God. Let God's portion be the best, and give it to the poor."

Twelfth century translator Judah ben Saul ibn Tibbon wrote, "Avoid bad society, make thy books thy companions, let thy book-cases and shelves be thy gardens and pleasure-grounds."

Nachmanides noted among one hundred and thirty-two maxims, "Do not obey the Law for reward, nor avoid sin from fear of punishment, but serve God from love."

The idea of an ethical will is also making its way to contemporary society.

Dr. Andrew Weil, in his book Healthy Aging: A Lifelong Guide to Your Physical and Spiritual Well-Being, asserts that, "writing an ethical will clarifies identity and focuses life purpose. Such a will addresses people's needs to belong, to be known, to be remembered, to have one's life make a difference, to bless and be blessed."

How would you like to be remembered?

Every few years, I hold a workshop at our synagogue inviting participants to prepare an ethical will based on the following seven questions. These include:

1)   What is the happiest moment of your life, and why?

2)   What was your greatest failure, and what did you learn from it?

3)   What tradition or value do you most want to see continued in your family?

4)   What saying or quotation most inspires you?

5)   What is your greatest fear about the future?

6)   Which charities or causes would you like to see continued?

7)   What do you want your funeral to look like?

It's an interesting exercise, and a clarifying one, no matter what your age or health status is.

I am moved each time we read this Parashah, and Jacob's ethical assessment, by the blessed memory of "Carol," who passed away almost five years ago. Carol devoted her life to working at a school dedicated to children confined to wheelchairs.

It is a school full of life.

As cancer continued to claim her vitality, we spoke about this Parashah, and the idea of focusing her family and friends on the future - based on the values which she held most dear.

In her ethical will, she spoke about the importance of "never coddling" those with physical challenges, for they too have a destiny and a unique mission to pursue.

She spoke about family unity, and she stressed the importance of appreciating life's gifts each day.

Finally, she asked that her ethical will be read at her funeral.

Each time of the year, as we read about Jacob, and his ethical will, I remember Carol and one of her final requests: that I share with you the importance of preparing an ethical will - not to control others from the world of souls - but to imbue the future with love and wisdom.

How do you want to be remembered?  What wisdom have you acquired?  What values, principles and life lessons would you like to share with those who follow?

Financial assets can be easily spent, but wisdom endures generation to generation.

Thank you, Carol.  You stand with Jacob, as you remind us that we are all teachers -- each of us with wisdom to pay forward.

While it is important to will material things we have acquired to future generations, it is the wisdom and values that we have acquired which will define our memories, and most enrich the lives of our loved ones.

As we complete the reading of the Book of Genesis this Shabbat, we will recite the words which have carried our people forward for generations.

Chazak Chazak V'nitzchazek; Be Strong, Be Strong, Let Us Be Strengthened.

When you think about it, over thousands of years, the Jewish people have not been sustained by our financial assets or our physical might, but rather through a momentum of wisdom, care, kindness and compassion.

Indeed, these are the words we commanded to teach to our children.

Shabbat Shalom, v'kol tuv.

Rabbi Irwin Huberman